Saturday, 23 January 2010

How I Met Yo Mama & Green Street

HAAAVE You met me??

Welcome back to the blog to all my previous visitors, and hello to anyone visiting for the first time. Hope you've had a good break from the blog; it's back, by the way. Why? Well, after a while of continuous blogging I felt that things were becoming a little drab- I wasn't really blogging about anything in particular or about anything of interest. So I took a break and as soon as I did, I kept coming across stuff that made me think- Oh man, I could write about that!!

So we should begin at a recent trip to Green Street, the brownest street in London outside of perhaps Whitechapel. Though this is a slightly less... Dark shade of brown. Nothing wrong with Whitechapel except perhaps the fact that it smells odd, it's over populated and you're unlikely to walk through it without having some sort of infected object stabbed into you. Not that Green Street is much better, for the most part I despise Green Street. It's almost as crowded as Whitechapel, the smells not as bad but then there are PARTS that could make you want to kind of... not breath. I haven't feared being stabbed in Green Street though, which is probably because- sadly... SADLY- I fit in a little too well there. That's right I said it, I get on with the people in Green Street. They like my miss-pronounced attempt at speaking Urdu with them, they look down in a sort of pity at the fact that I would wear a blazer, they find humor in the cowboy boots I own... They're made comfortable and put at ease with my "sillyness" such that they decide they don't actually HATE me.

I hate them for it... How dare these people that I HATE, not hate me?! And refer to me as Beeta. Or bachuu...

Fun fact about Facebook! The status limit is 420 characters. Any more than that and your status will not post. Far more generous than the Twitter limit of 140 characters, though still limiting. You see, since I closed this blog, I still had to vent about the plethora of ridiculous groups that are propping up on Facebook. Here's one.

Gannah Bali and Thuaib Gawa became fans of: You Fone Me. I Air Your Call. You Fone Bak On Private. Hu Yu Tryna Fool?

Yes, yes, the spelling made me dizzy too. It's fine. Just don't stare at it too long. Resist the urge to puke. Already making it's way up to your mouth? Just swallow it all away...

So yeah, I decided to imitate it in one of my statuses using really bad grammar, spelling and punctuation; basically typing like a twat. But my imitation got a little carried away and went above the 420 character limit...

It totaled at over 1,800 characters. Undeterred, I just split the status up into many mini status' and posted them individually. Which in itself became a little bit of an issue because the Home Screen of Facebook shows the most recent activity of the particular Facebook users and if they've just posted let's say 5 status', it'll only show the LAST one.

My last status read this:
Bre silly people out dere hu try silly trixxcksssss lyk dat bt dey need to KNO! KMT Like...

It was FUNNY in the context of all the OTHER status' which you had to read first. On it's OWN, I sound like a transgendered chameleon. With a lisp.

I've watched "How I Met your Mother" recently, on the behest of a certain person. She posted a song about suits on her Facebook recently and I HAD to watch it ALL. In 3 sittings I watched ALL 5 seasons up to the latest episode. SO good. But what I've found is that the three guys in the show; Barney, Ted and Marshell are a sort of comic version of me and my two best mates. I, though I find it painful to admit, would be most like Ted. Yes, Ted. Now, I know you must think I've got some sort of complex where I see myself as the main character of a Telly show, but bear with me. I'm the guy who ALWAYS falls in love. Dry humor- mostly sarcasm, and like Ted, is LOOKING to be in some weird, long term relationship.

Then you've got the Barney character- Oh how I wanted to be Barney. But unfortunately, that goes to my mate Moynul. He's a gimp who colors his hair, is always immaculately dressed, gets manicures, comes up with crazy plans for nights out, earns the most of our inner circle. Yeah, if anyone he'd get the title of Barney...

Then there's Abdul's rendition of Marshell. Admittedly he isn't in a full time relationship with anyone but he might as well be. He's very Marshell-esque in his foolishness at times.

Me: How's Uni going?
Abdul: Alright but today I couldn't get ANY work done...
Me: How comes?
Abdul: This girl I was working opposite... Had a REALLY, REALLY low sleeve top.
Abdul: She was Hot...
Me: Sexy Biceps?
Abdul: Huh?

Awww, he's shoooo CUTE! And makes silly grammatical mistakes like that. We were THIS close to convincing him there's a tablet you can swallow to charge your phone if it's near your body. THIS close!

So yeah, really enjoy HIMYM. And am in LOVE with Robin. HOT. Damn. Cobie Smulders, you can cobie MY smulders any way you like... Phwoar.
It got to a point where I had to pick between her and Kristen Bell. It was ACTUALLY a heartbreaking decision. I think for now it's gone to Cobie Smulders... Never thought I'd say that...

ANYWAY! Back to Green Street! There was an anecdote in there that I overlooked! So there I am, FINALLY at Green Street after being miserably lost (Yet another sucky part of Green Street, the journey there...) and it's dark out now. I'm doing some shopping for my parent's. Apparently, there's not place closer to home that sells packets of... seasoning and stuff in big packets.. So I'm at the shop, just paid for like 7 big carrier bags of STUFF that I can't even put a name to- it's all foreign to me. And I'm sorting out how to hold all these heavy bags, so I put them on a bench and organize the carrier bags so they don't become all thin at the handle part and dig into my hand. You know what I mean right? Anyway, while I do that this guy behind me is pacing the space outside this shop saying:


Only he's curling the end of the word price. He's extending the S sound. And he's not really shouting, perhaps I shouldn't have put it in capitals like that. It's more like:

half pricee
half pricee
half pricee

So he carries on doing this and I notice he's got some perfumes in his hand. I see he's about to come over to me and I shake my head to make it clear I'm not into knock off CK perfumes. He looks dejected; no ones paid him ANY attention in the last few minutes. And why would they? His sales pitch is SHIT! I decide to offer him a bit of help but think he ought to show a bit of initiative too so I hint what he should do.

Half price what? I say to him, still working on these carrier bags- seriously, they were heavy.

Half pricee perfumesss
Half pricee perfumesss

And just like that he gets some polish dude interested in his product. He literally TURNS around walks backwards just to inspect the perfumes! That's some BIG deal when your selling on the streets! So I'm still watching at this point, and the guy seems REALLY nervous, it may WELL have been his FIRST pitch of the day. At 6pm...

He didn't look up at me, but if he had, I would have offered him an encouraging glance, perhaps a thumbs up. It was clear he needed it.

When the potential customer asked him how much, he made a fatal rookie mistake. He said the stock price of "49 poundssss". And before he could say "but I'll sell it to you for 20", the guy had already begun walking away!! What a muppet merchant! And a lost cause. Everything about his sale was WRONG! If you mention the retail price straight away, you throw the customer into defense mode. No charisma, nothing. And he was OFFERING IT FOR BETTER THAN HALF PRICE! And ADVERTISING at half price! Gah! I gave up on him, disgusted, fed up, I decided to walk away.

So yeah, that happened.

And other stuff too, though I'm finding it hard to think of it all at this moment.
Welcome back!!

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