Press play on that before you read this post. Have it running in the background if you can. It will help towards the atmosphere of the whole post. Unless you don't like listening to music. In which case I don't endorse it in any way other than to say that you're missing out.
PRESS PLAY DAMMIT!
Okay. I felt these posts needed some sort of energy, what better way than with this track in the background, huh?
I've got this person on Facebook, she's wonderful, I have no qualms against her. If you happen to come across this blog and it's YOU I'm talking about, you are a WONDERFUL person, honestly. I'd go so far as to say I even find you attractive, though that's a whole different ball game.
This person seems to be another one of those mindless drones who's joined the craze of joining RaNdOm groups on Facebook.
In my mind a group on Facebook should maybe be a cause, maybe to show support for something or even if you're just a fan of something and want to show your support to that thing. Or if you benefit from getting updates about a particular product.
I personally am a fan of Ben Stiller, joined his group. He updates his page, funny videos he makes. It's quite a laugh. Or 1,000,000 unite against the BNP; I believe in that sort of cause. All meaningful groups. There's others too....
So I log on to Facebook and on my homepage I see that this aforementioned person... quite comically became a fan of:
Only God can Judge me and DJ Shubz.
Actually, I think if you're a fan of DJ Shubz... anyone can judge you.
But I stand by what I said, you're a wonderful person.
With ol' MJ playing in the background, I think it's the perfect condition to introduce my new segment for this blog: The Blacktionary...
Now, now I know what you're thinking, this title's a little risky. You're not black Usman... But the title has a little more depth than that. Seeing as Michael Jackson was kinda in denial about being black and wanted to be white, my Blacktionary is aimed at brown people thinking they're black! Particularly on my Facebook, it will endeavour to translate what they say into more discernible words and hopefully have some sort of humour in it.
Let's start shall we?
Ah, here's a good one:
girls always hav 2 fuk up ur mood, ur tryna watch xfactor in peace, nd den boom, da girl speaks nd pisses u off!KMFT
Allow me to rephrase this shambolic attempt at a sentence:
Girls always have to fuck up your mood. You're trying to watch X Factor in peace and then, boom, the girl speaks and pisses you off. KMFT( Kiss my fucking teeth )
Okay, this was an easy one. But I'm getting into the swing of things so let's begin gently.
I have three theories on this guy.
a) This is a person who is clearly frustrated sexually and his lashing out at all females stems from what can only be described as suppressed homosexuality.
b) a large proportion of, if not all the females in the world, have disrupted him while watching X Factor and he is justifiably angry.
c) This here is not a reasonable man...
Though I have to say, he did somewhat bring himself into his predicament by posting this seven minutes earlier on Facebook:
GIRLS JUS PISS ME OFF MAN!!!!ARGGHHHHH!!!....IF SUINS RONG, JUS SPIT IT OUT kmt
Girls just piss me off man! Argh! If something is wrong, just spit it out. kmt (Kiss my teeth)
Again, note that though the SUBJECT of his comment is women, he addresses it to a man...
And you DID kiiiinda ask her to tell you what the problem was... Why complain about her talking when you asked her to talk? o.O
And not only is he trying to be black, he's trying to be Laverne from Scrubs black...
Okay FINE, I understand he's not trying to be black, he's just plain retarded and that saying people who talk funny are trying to be black is like... completely racist.
But I find the Blacktionary to be such a funny name!
Please let me keep it! Please?
I'll try harder, I'll use Actual words that some black people use. Like erm...
This word is deep. Though it's origins are steeped in mystery, it has many meanings depending on the manner in which it is used. Let me give you an example.
Aye dat boy dere ain nuffin ya ere me das a Boombaclat waste boi one time.
Ah this is already making me feel bad...
That boy there isn't anything. You hear me? That's a BOOMBACLAT waste of a boy. One time.
You can see that boombaclat is, in this instance a derogatory term. Though this is not always the case:
Aye coom ere' ma boombaclat! wayasayin?! Long time me no ere nuttin from ya an now I see ya be walkin wid a swaga doon ma endz! Nuff luv!
This completely fictional person is slightly intimidating. Even to me. And I made him up...
Hey, come here my BOOMBACLAT! What's new?! It's been a long time since I heard anything from you and suddenly I see you brazenly walking around in my town! Yours sincerely...
OBviously boombaclat is used as a term of endearment in this instance...
What if I had a black person updating the Blacktionary?
Okay, let's say Blacktionary is on the table until I see what the general consensus is..?
But remember, in the words of MJ (and we all know he was right about EVERYthing he ever decided on...) It doesn't matter if your wrong or right just BEAT IT!!!!!!
No, really, this posts, finished. So comment, and then BEAT IT!!!!!!!
Hopefully this should have ended right around where the song ended. If you played it when I told you to.