Tuesday, 15 December 2009

In no way endorsed by Nazir Ahmed. Neither the politician nor the knob jockey CEO of Best Tutors.

I'm in a proper shit mood today.

Ever been in a situation where everything's going fine, you've enjoyed your day, things are just going along as they always do and then WHAM! Something happens to just piss you off. Like someone pulled the rug from under you and you slip, whack your head on the corner of a table and realise you'll never be able to say the number six again.

Something like that.

My bad mood is confounded by the fact that I'm sat infront of he Telly and my mum's watching crappy Pakistani telly. Mostly the adverts piss me off, but the phoney religious programs don't get off without blame... CF Claims fast. Those clever wankers, Italicize the text, make it seem fast!

Even the stroke advert seems to be a blurry rendition when displayed on a Pakistani Telly channel. F.A.S.T That's face, arms, speech, TIME! Come on you must have seen it by now, oh wait, not all of you are from the UK... I'm reaching out to all nations now aren't I? FAN-tastic...

F.A.S.T Is an acronym for symptoms that occur when someone is having a stroke-
Face- Looks mashed up
Arms- Act mashed up.
Speech- Is mashed up.
Time- To CALL 999! Or 911. ;)

If you're offended by the way I said the things were mashed up... Okay.

Still in a bad mood, but why deny you kitties one of these things?
I was thinking of the BNP while I was in the shower. As you do. And Nick Griffin is a prick.
I don't think it's said enough. I think we should like say that to at least one person a week. Just to reaffirm it. Throughout the nation. Lest anyone forget. Or slip and think, well you know. Nick Griffin, he's an alright kinda guy.


Stop RIGHT there! He is a Fat pleb. A racist. And he smells funny. Not funny ha ha. Funny like a ... Hang on yeah, I could keep insulting him but we're all aware that those insults weren't any good and either way, I think I've filled my quota for the month...

But yeah! He goes, if people of the past were to look at Britain today, they wouldn't recognise it with all the multiculturalism that's going on...

I'm sure that's not going to be their BIGGEST barrier though. You know, what with CARS! And... Motorways and Digital Television with it's Red button. Hang on! Why isn't there a white button?!
Hmm, I smell the foul stench of multiculturalism infecting our home television viewing...

Oh god, even though I'm in the shittiest mood ever, there isn't anyone who this couldn't crack up. Seriously, this is TRUE. It's even crazier than the time I was in the toilets of a Pizza Hut and witnessed two really loud guys bumming each other.

I used to work in a hell hole called O2. Before that, though, I was in Hells secluded basement that no one knows about because the sadistic, rapist parent's who live in Hell have it sectioned off for the people it REALLY wants to fuck up. That's right, Best Tutors.
Right, well at Best tutors, they had these work books that we taught the kids with that the headteacher designed. I used to teach English, and the books had stories in them. They were like Aladdin and Sleeping beauty and other popular stories. Only they were The Nazir Ahmed renditions. Essentially what this means is that they were encumbered with spelling mistakes, grammatical errors and, well sodomized versions of the original stories.

To give you an example of what kind of complex this guy has, he had all his staff refer to him as Sir Nazir...
To further that example by some deranging information, the prince that save sleeping Beauty? Well his name was Ahmed. Ahmed was a prince who owned a tuition centre. Ahmed's tuition centre was the BEST TUITION centre in the world...

Okay that's well freaky, yes. But not the icing on the cake. No, no, there's some icing and a glazed frickin' cherry to come. You see recently, I went on the Best Tutors website. I did a search for someone and their name came up on the Google search in the Best Tutors website. And it's a pretty shitty website, but like most websites, there's the navigation bar up top. Sections include:




Fuck YEAH!!!

Here's some pretty deep shit:

Let me start with one of the less egotistic poems...



Mum is the greatest blessing of Lord,
It is said himself by the greatest God.
In her lap I don't feel any fear,
Otherwise, I have to shed the tear.
Mum is very kind and polite,
In the darkness, she is the light.

Okay, I'm not taking away from his love for his mother, but if a year 6 kid wrote like that while I was tutoring him (was this close from typing IT instead of him... :| ) his paper would be covered in so much red ink... Who am I kidding? I'd still be drawing on the back cover of his book...

But NO! There's more!! Before I carry on, I think I should devise a new sort of tool to decipher this guys poems.



In our next listing, the inspired poet has offered his pen to MFI. That's right, the sofa company. Perhaps for a slot on the Fu****g Telly channel I'm being subjected to right now. It might actually fit in. Here goes:


Low prices, quality high, (You can see where this is leading already...)
This is the motto of MFI.
Up to now in any competition,
We have got the top position.
In competition, no one can beat MFI, (he's basically run out of things to say at this point...)
Even some are unable to qualify.
Our mission is to provide peace of mind,
In shopping of any sort or kind.
All sorts of things you want to buy,
Without hesitation come to MFI.
Although we are not biggest in London,
Even then we want to lower your burden.
(It's at this point, Nazir gets crazy and EVERYTHING rhymes!)
If you want yourself to satisfy,
For the domestic issues to simplify,
Or if you want to clarify,
You must come to MFI
The prices of others are very high,
Either you may not have the power to buy,
Or after shopping you have to cry,
To resolve all this, just come to MFI

Whew I really didn't want to have to quote so much but seriously, can you blame me? That stuff was golden! LOL! I cannot believe the retarded ZEAL of this man when it comes to promoting himself?

I can picture an MFI ad now, where the voice over says:

"Do you suffer from spontaneous post shopping blues? Do you find the power to buy has left you? OR are you simply looking for low prices, quality high? Well come on over, to the seventh largest sofa retailer, MFI!"

For those of you who want to know a little more about the prince of his Sleeping Beauty story, well, I think he's written a poem about that dude as well. I'll try hard ot cut this one short, but I'm not making any promises...

It's titled:

Lord Ahmed of Rotherham

I'm genuinely finding it hard to stomach putting this crap on my blog. Not that standards are particularly high to begin with though... Okay, here goes.

Lord Ahmed is a great treasure
his greatness is hard to measure (
due to a constant state of flaccidity)
His personality is very excellent
he has lots of wisdom and talent
He always tries to help others,
therefore gets prayers of mothers.
Sometimes he has to sacrifice,
even at the cost of his own price.
He is completely inconsiderate,
either the others love or hate him.

I'll leave it at that, though I want to take one more stanza from a little later in the poem. It made my brow furrow...

All these qualities made him great,
there is no such Muslim leader up to date.

Well, I'd debate that there would be a COUPLE of prophets that MAY give you a run for your money you narcissistic, self important FUCKING CUNT!!

Its alright, I'm cool now, I should be "safe as in mother's arm"...


  1. LOL!!!

    So much wit, you should be pissed off more often.

  2. Although that was probably the best comment in the history of your comments... Not enough comments! Comment people! Two way thing!!

  3. Mr. Fiesta-tastic16 December 2009 at 16:15

    I swear MFI is that kitchen retailer?

    Man, I wonder what Aaaamed would say about you writing that post. I wonder if he visits your blog.

    The real reason you wrote stuff about Best Tutors:

    You think about Nick Griffin when you are in the shower?

  4. I think of everything in the shower.
    Shower time is ME time...