I will update this post in a bit. It's got to do with some song form Family Guy, sheesha, and a really sexually confused dude. Also might mention the time I witnessed something creepy at Pizza Hut. But for now, all I'll say is that from France, I've had a dude come to my blog after doing a Google search for "Star Wars Porn".
I'm confused. I feel... Impressed..?
So from this point on, I suppose since I'm waiting for my episode of Soul Eater to load, I might as well complete this Post. A few weeks ago I went out with a mate to a Sheesha place in Queensway. Yeah, that one. It's rubbish. So rubbish is it, in fact, and such an awful service do they provide, that a simple google search for the place gives you a website which allows members to give their own reviews of the place, and on this particular site, there's an ongoing discussion about this ONE dude that works there and how he interrogates women who go to the place. It's really shit. And the coal they put on the sheesha totally burns up the flavour in like, 5 minutes. Lame.
Anyway, for want of a better place, we ended up there and the two of us were looking for a nice, quiet atmosphere where we could catch up, recollect old times and just have a good time. This joint has a little turntable and deck and iPod dock so people can play their own music. And while I admit that MY choice in music would hardly EVER go down well in your average Sheesha place, the people who had control over the music deck-thingy had possibly the most sadistic taste in music. EVER.
So let me give you a quick run down of the events as they unfolded. Walk in. I make a snide comment on the danky-ness of the place we've just entered. Immediately, a guy from across the room tries to pick a fight with me. With ME! :O
Saying something about how he has good hearing which I mistook for, "something, something, earing"...
"No, I didn't say anything about your earing..."
"I SAID, I've got good hearing."
And well... then we had a little argument about how neither of us said anything about the other. Which set the REST of the day up for... well... being shit. It was clear that he'd done it because he was with his two boys and I was with a girl so he wanted to flutter his feathers about...
And these are the same group of guys who have control over the music deck. So here is their choice of music.
The bird, bird, bird is the word.
Haven't heard of the song? Here:
No, no, I'm not surprised you haven't heard of it.. It was only released in the FUCKING 60's!!!
So why these 20 somethings were playing it... ON REPEAT... I have NO clue... Oh but it gets worse..
While you're here though, let me tell you the FIRST time I heard it, I did grin a bit, it's a song that was played on Family Guy. Which MAY be the reason these twats had heard of the song. But the fact that the song was portrayed as being EAR-RAPE seemed to have kinda.... gone whoosh over their heads...
Here's the clip from Family Guy:
Funny right? But we ALL get that Peter is being a TWAT and we should NEVER, EVER try to emulate Peter Griffin. EVER! Oh, here's what Brian and Stewie do once Peter goes overboard with that song:
Ahh, classic stuff. Ahhhh.... to have done that to his iPhone...
Oh yeah, it gets worse. How much worse?
Three guys, sitting around, doing sheesha. Fine. Only, that is until one guy, gets SO moved by the song that he begins dancing to it. That's right, dancing, to Surfin' Bird.
I know what you're thinking. How does one dance to Surfin' Bird without looking like a fucking TWAT? I have the answer for you. One doesn't. There is no way you can dance to that song without the people looking at you thinking: Hang on, are we safe in this guy's presence? Will he try to sling some of his shit at us?
Oh and you think the story ends there don't you? Well I had to live it, so bear with me. He THEN... picks up a chair and begins simulating sex acts on the chair. And by now, we're on the 7th repeat of the song...
He's gone crazy on this thing, he's going to TOWN on this chair, if this chair was a woman... it would probably be dead. He's air licking it, playing with something between it's legs with his fingers while making out with it's imaginary head. He, at one point, drops backwards- and full credit to him being athletic enough to pull this off- holding his weight on one hand and lifting the chair above his body with the other does some weird sort of reverse cow-girl move on the chair.
And the lads he was with? Cheering him on.
Am I alone in thinking this is repressed homosexuality?! The owner of the place would come by occasionally and tell him to leave his chairs alone, so for the brief minute or two while we were getting out coal re(filled?) we had some sort of peace.
Then the guy would leave and we'd have to be put through the same crap all over again. Then one of his friends crossed the line. He said to the OTHER friend, while pointing to the performer friend:
"Oi, watch this, watch this bit, it's the best bit coming up"
The mother-fuckers REHEARSED this shit!? They fucking... stayed up one sleepover and in their pyjamas; they fucking choreographed this shit?!
Well from one act of COMPLETE gay-ness over to Pizza Hut.
A long, long time ago, I visited a Pizza Hut with some mates of mine. I was younger then and less aware of the world. So, naive as I was, I decided to use the toilets. Quick wee, who could get hurt? Dash in there and it's a pretty small toilet. Do my usual thing of surveying who else is in there; whether or not it would be appropriate to whistle while I... piss-le.
Two doors of the cubicles are wide open though one is closed. So fine, no whistling, it might put the guy off mid-whatever he's doing..
So there I am, buttons popped open, zip down, getting on with my business when all of a sudden from inside that cubical I hear a REALLY, REALLY deep grunt. Like... URGH! But the R was rolled. URRRGH!! with two exclamation marks. Not that it was loud... It was a dull, deep, grunt. Hmmm. This guy has a bad case of constipation. I don't think he knows I'm in here, so I just grin and carry on...
Until now, from that cubicle comes a shriek. I'm talking: "Oh my god, I've ripped something that shouldn't be ripped!" sort of yelp. Ok, maybe, so as to... you know not seem like some weird pervert, I decide to let him know of my presence... To stop him from being embarrassed. I just quietly clear my throat. Unfortunately, at exactly the same time, he let out another grunt, followed by a kind of sigh/pant... Nothing for it, this time I vocalised a cough.
"ErHEM", I sort of said...
Silence. I'd finished my stuff now and walking over to the sink, The guy in the cubicle suddenly starts to move around like crazy. I barely got to press the tap down when he bellowed: "Mother FUCKER".
YES I ran.
But in my defence he had a DEEP voice and I was, what? 14?? So I'm sat at my table with my friends, trying to look inconspicuous, like a person who didn't just rush out of the toilet so that this heavily constipated GIANT of a man ( He had a REALLY DEEP voice) wouldn't be able to pick me out from the crowd. But all the while I'm peering over to the door to the toilet to see the guy.
And after a couple of minutes... What do you know? A WENCH MASSIVE BURLY man swinging his arms from side to side as he manfully strode along, scanning the room; fortunately overlooking my table... This guy... was Scary, he eyes were bulging out, he looked menacing his head was shaven, his shoulders and neck were like one massive muscle thing. I'm GLAD I legged it, I would have been killed by this dude.
THEN... It got REALLY Scary.
Out came... a second dude from behind him. And no. There was only ONE cubicle in use, not two. And the two men left the resteraunt together...
Yes, I had witnessed a bumming taking place.
Ok, so... That's me for the night, I think I'll leave it at that!!
YOU guys... should go check out an art gallery or something. Check out the Tate Modern. National Gallery? British History Museum?
Ah, I'm kidding- all that stuff boring as hell unless you're 12. And the Tate's shit no matter what age you are.